Eternity of Blood;

Some of you may be wondering why I would bother to review this book. People who know me personally understand that I’m not into vampire literature, fantasy or porn. Eternity of Blood is porn but not because of the book’s explicit sexual content, porn is not all about sex. Porn is about personal obsessions and they are different from person to person. Eternity of Blood is porn because it is more about the author and not about story

It’s a personality laid bare, a stripping of social and societal norms. A fantasy of one specific person, someone we all know and after reading this book, we now know all too well.

The person is none other than Lavern Ross.

I won’t go to much of how we know Lavern (or LaVern as she put it.)Back in 2005 I ran across her through a few friends who were passing around a horrid piece of self published drivel called “Night Travels of the Elven Vampire.”  The TITLE of which is the most coherent part of that book. Night Travels is a badly edited Mary-sue-trope that comes close to being a hilarious parody on self publishers A-la Atlanta Nights.  
But then I got to reading some of the background of that book and discovered the author was not writing a satire, she was serious. She actually thought Night Travels was a worthy novel which would take its place alongside Ann Rice’s many vampire books. LaVern actually thought she would get an endcap at Barns and Noble, be able to quit her job and just pound out stories for a living. 

That was a few years ago, the hilarity of the whole thing led to several groups trashing this book to the point where LaVern pulled her contract with Publish America (such as it was) and deleted all of her sock-puppet self-gratifying reviews from Amazon.  Her book went back to the editors (the same ones that made all of the grievous typos in the first place,) She yanked all of her web pages and vanished from the Internet. (there is some vestige of this period HERE

Until now.

Writing under the nom de plume "Valena Graham" she has “re-imagined” Night Travels into something called “Eternity of Blood.”  The book is set in about nine point Times Roman in such a way that 1/3 of the page is blank. This makes the book a hefty 300 odd pages when It really should be around 200. I found it kind of hard to read.

It is more or less the same story, a strange Vampire from another “galaxy” masquerades as a Navy ace fighter pilot until he is found out by a lovely paranormal investigator who falls for his effervescent charm. (he bashes someone’s head in during the first chapter. Real charming!)

While Night Travels was arguably a fantasy/science fiction take on the vampire trope, Eternity of Blood dives into the world of porn as well, not simply because of the book’s gratuitous sexual content but because of the layers and layers of exposition that add little to an otherwise uninspiring tale.  (Remember! Show - don't tell!)

Like the earlier version, there is a kernel story here that is worthwhile. The eternal hero is trapped by existence itself. Cursed to watch history play out around him/her they are unable or unwilling to bring about their own end.  The immortal being becomes infatuated with a mortal. they Have some adventures etc, the mortal dies or has a kid and life goes on, and on and on. I think this storyline came from classical Greek literature.

In Eternity of Blood we get a front-row seat into the middle-aged fantasy life of the author. Now, all writing is autobiographical to a certain extent but I started feeling a bit … dirty reading Eternity of Blood.

Then I realized, this is a *published* work. Whatever is in here cannot be other than the author’s intent. Hey! I paid about $17 for this piece of crap! I should have a right to rant about it.

SOOO~ ! Eternity of Blood opens much like Night travels. There is a vampire, there is a damsel, vampire takes sweet-young-things out of their sportscars and dismembers them, after slacking his thirst, making it look like wild dogs did the dirty deed. Damsel is searching for buried treasure in the forest (No - Really!) She comes upon the same hairy-eyeball demons only this time they look like big hairy demons with eyeballs not hairy demons that ARE eyeballs.  (it occurred to me that a Freudian Psychologist would have a field day with this stuff.)

The vamp turns out to be Gareth, not Alric who flies jets for fun has a magic medallion that allows him to go around in the daylight. He still lives in a creepy old house with his bro. He still has a sheepdog that changes colors and says “boof.” He’s still a freaking clothes-hog.

“Lorelai” is also a Navy officer and a pilot although that does not seem to be a consuming passion. She’s more into “ghostbusting,” That is skulking around old houses looking for ghosts. Hanging around graveyards and all that other crap real – pretend paranormal investigators do.  Somehow she’s in the employ of a ghostbusting agency that sends her out on “adventures.” This seems to be the wet-dream of most paranormal investigators, that some company would pay them to ply an otherwise retarded and useless hobby.

And she finds ghosts. Apparently she finds them in nearly every house she investigates. Along with her crack team of ghost busters, Carol the Empath, Darren the Tech-Expert, and herself  as Psychic and lead paranormal investigator they bust-ghosts and banish evil in Jesus’ name.

“He’s going to kill him! said Carol

    No. Jake? Let Darren go, it’s time to depart this house. No more hurting people.

    She could feel the evil that came from the spirit who clutched Darren. She could hear it whisper filthy words in her ear, its touch on her neck.

    “Shut up you witch! I didn’t invite you here. “ His voice cruel and caustic and it sent chill bumps down her spine.  “I’ll kill you all!”

    “No you listen!” You’re dead and you must move on.” I command you in the name of Jesus be gone you evil thing. Go to the pits of hell where you belong.”
Gareth (imagine Orlando Bloom with fangs) seems to be a nice fellow who becomes the incredible-vampire Hulk and runs around killing people. Astoundingly no one seems to notice.  Gareth we are informed ad-nausium is the most beautiful specimen of a man ever-ever ever! He has the features of a movie star (du!) dresses in designer clothes, he’s an immortal being,  flies jet fighters, has super powers in addition to his murderous neck fetish. A real catch!

He can’t bite Lorelei for some strange reason.
Then he asks;
“Lorelei, would you like to go horseback riding, play some pool?”
Shit! With pickup lines like that, even Orlando Bloom-with fangs couldn’t get laid!

But Lorelai is drawn to fang-boy, not only because he’s the yummiest movie-star faced vampire ever-ever ever! But SHE’s part alien-elf or whatever the fuck they are! And she really REALLy must get into his tight leather pants!

So, they go horseback riding, the smell of sweaty leather and horse-apples does its work. They both end up on the ground, in the bugs and crap, grappling each other.  La-la –la!

(pg 106)
…It was hot and steamy and there was no breeze to cool them down. The crickets were loud as was the other night animals. Sweat rolled down Lorelei’s neck and between her breasts. His hand found she wore thigh highs, and he found her skin as silky as her stockings. Then Gareth found the panties that were mere wisps of lace. He cupped her, feeling her heat against his hand, burning. She moaned and moved toward his touch.
“Lorelai raised one leg to the outside of his and rubbed him harder. She had to see his dick, feel it against her skin. When his fingers moved inside her panties and touched her soft flesh. …
Um…you get the idea.

Now, admittedly, I’m not into this kind of thing, (at least, I’m not that interested  in reading about it.) I’ve written about sex one or two times and I’ve always handled it a bit more gently. I.E. “My characters are having sex, let them be and use your damn imagination! “ My opinion on this kind of writing is, less description is usually more. 

 However I know that there is an entire genera wrapped around crap like this. I cannot appreciate it, I don’t read it.  but for pities sake! Not only does this seem clumsy to my admittedly unschooled eyes, but WHY does it take 106 fucking pages to get this far! Shit! If you’re going to do porn, do porn! Don’t do 100 pages of unneeded character development, then and only then go horseback riding!

But it’s not to be! Poor Lorelai’s panty-raid gets interrupted by reality and vampirism. (Vampires make terrible fuck-buddies, seven seasons of Buffy taught us that!)

Gareth has to run along before the sweaty act is complete or else risk the rough stuff. This is  too bad because I was growing tired of the Lorelai character anyway.

But, then he has her great pirate adventure.
“I’m Captain François Blaze Martin of the Seablaze. You can call me Blaze.”
 She saves the world or some other unlikely crap.  She gets a boyfriend who’s NOT Gareth. She talks to her dead relatives, fights demons and somehow finds time for all of this as a Navy officer.  Book one ends pretty much the way Night Travels end.

Book one? Did I say book one?

Yes, a second chapter in this saga is included.  But I’ll leave that for Crevett if she wants. I have to disinfect my keyboard now and reformat my hard disk.

A modest proposal;

… It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great town or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors, crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags and importuning every passenger for an alms. ….

Maybe not that modest proposal. Now that LaVern Ross seems to have given up the title of most horrid writer of the (place random time base here.) isn’t it time we either pack in this O’l blog OR…

Change it to something more general? I was speaking to peacockharpy and crevette crevette . They and I agree that it’s time to cease flogging a dead horse and maybe; do something else? How about a more serious critique spot, bad and good book? Just bad books?

What of it?

A reading from the Book of LaVerne.

"Hours later [Elspeth] awakened to a cold hand on her leg. She sat up straight in bed, pulling her legs up to her chin. She clicked on the lamp on the night table. Nothing there, at least to the naked eye. But something was there in the room with her. Suddenly the bottom of the heavy iron bed began to rise off the floor. "That is enough of that. Put my bed down nicely now." Slowly the bed returned to its original spot. "Thank you." She started to lay down again, and as soon as she did. A hand that was as cold as the grave touched her calf, feeling of it. That hand then moved from her calf up to her thigh. Elspeth sat up, and again pulled her legs up. "I hope you are a man or was at one time. Now I am trying to sleep, and your hands are terribly cold. I would appreciate it if you would go bother someone else." She felt the presence go past her through the wall, the coldness leaving the room. She smiled and lay back down. It could be worse she thought, as she again drifted off to sleep."
--LaVerne Ross, Night Travels of the Elven Vampire

The moral of the story: getting felt up by the restless dead isn't so bad, as long as it's not the gay restless dead.
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Captive Audience: brought to you by Publish America!


Another great American novel courtesy of Publish America. Read all about it in the Gainesville paper. Sheesh. This one sounds just marvelous. I must say, I did adore the plot synopsis... sounds like a real page turner. Thanks to flaming_mo for the link.

Quote from article:
"The plot of the book revolves around the transaction of The Jade Viking, an American cruise ship, to a Japanese firm. As the ship sails toward San Francisco while the firms complete the deal, actor Morris is on board filming scenes for a martial-arts movie. When the ship is hijacked by aliens looking to turn a quick profit, and it's up to Morris to reach across cultural barriers and form a resistance."

Holy crap Batman. This might give LaVerne a run for her money.